The Night Before MatCon
'Twas the night before MatCon and all through the Realm
Every fighter was busy, a fixin' his helm;
The clerics were working on their candles with care
In hopes that the treasure soon would be theirs.
The gnomes were nestled all snug with their staves
While the druids of Chi-Town worked on like slaves.
And God in his Rice shirt with notebook in hand
Had just settled his brains, there was peace in the land.
When down in the South there arose such a clatter
We all raced to Giantshome to see what was the matter.
Away to island we went in a wink,
Convinced that the Rune-weener must be a fink.
The sun on the Watch of Kevin renamed
Gave a signal to monsters that party had camed, even,
When what to our wondering eyes did appear
But eight little monks causing Zachary great fear.
With a little quick thinking but forgeting one thing
We began in a moment at giants to swing.
More sticky than bugers their slime it did fly
And they whistled and shouted as Blackfoot flew by.
First Hylax and Runeweed, now Sirfexx and Zac
On Blackfoot, on Good Zeph, on all they did whack.
Until only U-Gene, the great dwarven lord,
Made mincemeat of many with great dwarven sword.
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
The party retreated and made for the sky.
The entrance we found and went boldly on
To the game-room of harpies where others had gone.
And once in the battle we heard Sir Zac cheer,
"There's no sense in fighting while the kobold is here".
We beat up the champions and soon left the fight
Then someone suggested, "let's spend the night".
Tophet was gone and soon we were too
Back to the Dorf and then Dungeon Two.
A log from the forest we flung in the stream
And hoped that the monsters would not see the seam.
The Runeweapons spoke to us, "believe it or not,
There's one of our brothers in the very next lot".
Greed overcame us, Blackfoot the most
And only U-gene could stubbornly boast,
"I don't want a Runeweapon, they're stupid, for runts".
Then the axe he did see, "Well, maybe this once".
Here Blackfoot did die --- zapped by his haste
He ran and he grabbed and then he got faced.
So Junior appeared, naked and small,
To snatch up the treasure, we gave him it all.
Tophet was easy, a mere passing sound
For Sirfexx destroyed him in less than a round.
Soon we returned to the Weenie's dismay
There wasn't much gold to be taken away.
To the Tower of Orling who built downside-up
We went to the maze designed for a pup.
There they all stood like spokes of a wheel,
Six rooms full of riddles, some phony, some real.
HG was there, a solvin' our rhymes,
What eats bananas and swings in the vines?
The kobold quite frail gave the champion a chance
To fight for our honor and not wet his pants.
But our memories run to the room with the hounds
Where Champion Zachary took his last bounds.
"I'm sick of this waiting, it's guts y'all lack,
I'll go get the key and bring it right back".
Those were his words, the last he did say,
For the curse of the Champion he finally paid.
The next time was easy, the test was the same
We just changed our costume and then changed our name.
Hylax and U-gene, as fly and breadcrumb,
Made a plan so complex, it almost seemed dumb.
But soon it was plain that strength was the key,
To fighting our foes with beast-like ferocity.
We saved Orling from the grasp of the scum
And dealt several blows to fiend named Rectum.
So away once again as the MatCon grew old
To the Cave of one Marla and the ring she did hold.
We sought the seaweed that this she-demon craved
Until a small monk started acting too brave.
"Get off of my tower, it's mine, I won't share".
He said until U-Gene started cutting the air.
The little guy gone, we dove in the sea
A place to find where it's always rainy.
It's here that U-Gene, that great fleshy wall
Met his match in a goldfish 'bout thirty feet tall.
He swung his small sword while Jaws opened wide
Then Hylax and Runeweed came to his side.
With one mighty spell, the gnome saved the quest
Defeating the monster and robbing it's nest.
In Marla's small cave, there sat a small bird
An owl by volition, that some of us heard.
It said, "beware Marla, I'm trapped by her spell".
But not until Good Zeph got us all sent to Hell.
A few minor pets were slain by our swords.
But the necklace was purchased with our magical hoards.
We ambushed the Baron and wiped out his crew
Then Zeph let the owl go and a big fight ensued.
U-gene got his ring-quest and wench, she got hosed
And MatCon the awesome soon drew to a close.
Sirfexx was rated the man with the bomb
Happy gaming to all and so does your mom.